Obama Cures Cancer, AIDS, and Global Warming!

Associated Press
Special to The Merovingian

Rochester, MN - In a move that stunned the medical community, presidential candidate Barack Obama and his entourage boldly entered the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN unannounced early this morning. While his Secret Service bodyguards ran interference against hospital security, Sen. Obama went directly to the biological research area and quickly decontaminated and entered the clean room where technicians were isolating genes which could be used as a marker for cancer risk. Calling all the researchers in the room together, he (Obama) quickly outlined the general plan for a retrovirus that calculates a checksum on the DNA of human cells which then in turn compares against the other cells in the body. Cells that do not match the checksum are inhibited from reproducing, thereby halting cancer in its tracks. In a hasty press release, it was stated that inoculation would become mandatory at birth, but would be paid for by the new National Health Care Department, so would be free and cost nothing.

After being bundled into his campaign limo, which was furnished by Greek shipping tycoon George Soros, the Obama crew headed for a waiting helicopter, which whisked him to the University of Minnesota, where AIDS research funding had been halted in December of 2006. Racing through the archives, Democratic hopeful Obama discovered two seemingly unrelated areas of study, that when combined would not only cure AIDS, but reverse the ravaging effects of the disease within a few short days. He left a sample of his blood to serve as the culture medium for further study. "It may only work on those of African decent at this point, but it is a start." Obama stated at a press conference held on the university steps. In a statement hearkening back to the core values of the Democratic Party, funding for the research and production would "Only come from those Americans that make money" further stating that "Those people who make money are morally responsible for those that don't."

Later that morning, Senator Obama met with Michael Moore, Al Gore, and a host of Hollywood celebrities at his favorite Five Star to unveil his plan to end global warming. "We could try to make the production of greenhouse gases illegal, but it would have limited effect. We propose to make the existence of these gases themselves illegal by international treaty. We intend to go after the problem at its source, not to merely patch it here and there with quotas." The presentation received a standing ovation.

After the luncheon, the Obama motorcade left for Lakewood Cemetery in Minneapolis. The purpose of this visit was unavailable at press time.

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