Lawyer Jokes

A friend asked......



Did you hear they are going to start replacing lab rats with lawyers?

1) Lawyers are more plentiful.

2) No one really cares what happens to a lawyer.

3) There are just some things a rat won't do.




Q: What do you call a ship with 5000 lawyers stuck in it at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start.


The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked



How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?

Three--one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.


What is a criminal lawyer?

Redundant.



What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer




A junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: "Justice prevailed."
The senior partner replied in haste: "Appeal immediately."


The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question."


Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.



What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.